---

Sigh, i expected it. I've predicted it. I can't believe that i'm right again. How i wish that i was wrong. I really do.

Before i start. I shall apologise first for any unintentional hurtful feelings u may receive.

I shall fully and clearly explain why i'm doing all these. I think my FRIENDS have the rights to know what type of a person i am. I hope that my close friends could accept me for what i am. But lyk i've said. Hope is just a wimpy desire.

Sigh, you think that i want to pretend? Do you think that it's fun, enjoyable deceiving people around you? But if u compare that to crying everyday in school, which one would u prefer?

I ain't that mature when i'm only P3. It's lyk, when u've just realise how wonderful the world is, the world came crashing down on u. I'm not that open, when u're hurt, do u just show it all? I don't have the time to think, to react properly to the situation. I can only pretend, pretend that nth has eva happened and continue with life.

I know it's confusing you all. But how many of you, can actually accept a over-matured guy in life? Trust me, i KNOW it's hard getting along. I have NO CHOICE, but to act normal. Be childish at times, just being the happy-go-lucky type of person, with no worries. Yea, i do care for u people, that's why i try not to make u all worry about me.

But there's always a limit to what u can take. I think tis is my limit and i have to let it go now when the pain isn't killing me. I'm sry shannen. But it's not that i am turning emo. i AM emo. I simply hide and store them behind my smiles.

I shall place this properly now. I am wounded, i am hurt yes. BUT it can't be healed in such a short time, i just want you people to know what i really am. I just need acknowledgement. It's all i asked for. I feel that i'm turning cold, feelingless, but it's hard being pathetic! I drown myself in science, so that the pain would numb. So that the cause of pain would be nth. And i wouldn't feel it anymore.

I know many people get feel down, pissed, when tryin to console me. I'm sry for that. But it isn't really what i wanted to show u all.

I get what u mean shannen. I get what everyone is trying to tell. I know how people feel. But this feeling of loneliness is when you know how everyone feels, yet no one knows how u feel. I'm feel that my friends became my friends for the wrong reason. That's y i'm now trying to slowly slowly reveal my thinkings. But i guess this won't do.

Think in my point of perception.

How much rejection, retortion have i gotten since i've posted abit abt what i think? I guess it's too sudden.

I shall tell u guys how u all think abt me now yea? The misconception u all had. You've been thinking smth lyk,
"i didn't know that he thinks so deeply, but how could he have gotten all these stuff? What kind of pain is he going through? mayb i could do alittle to help?"

But relax. When u see me, i'll still be the same. No change. Relax, i'm letting u guys having a sneak preview of what's going on in my head. I'll change. Slowly, slow enough not to let u all notice it if i didn't post abt it.

And shannen, i'm really greatful for what you've done for me. I couldn't thank u anymore.

Mayb i shld juz gif an eg. , juz a minor one about something which stab me steeply. I went out with my mum 1 day. Well, she's under quite alot of stress nowadays, so i tried to make her happy. I tell her alot of jokes, i maintain my smile and laughter. Keeping myself cheerful to cheer her up.

You know what izzit that she said? (in chinese & hokkien) "y u so childish, whole day xi1 pi2 xiao4 lian3? bo1 si3 diam3. If u continue like this, all ur friends is gonna hate you."

That's just smth minor, but u noe what? It reopened my wounds again.

I'll ask u guys this question seriously. Do you just want the old me? Or want to try accepting the real me?